Salvation- I'm not "good enough" to keep mine

Some days, my mind just gets the best of me. I wake up grumpy, and just feeling plain ol' unloveable. And everyone around me knows it- because I make them feel unloveable as well. My mind is filled with all sorts of negative thoughts, whether it be about bills, school problems, or simply put, people problems. It's days like that, that I feel very unworthy of God's love. Let alone His salvation, His security, His favor.

I remember as a child, my mom scolding me for lying to her. Don't ask for specifics, because that happened too often for me to recall! But I also remember at night, my mom letting me lay on her lap as we watched t.v. I may have gotten scolded earlier in the day by her, but as she plays with my hair and tenderly caresses it with her fingers, I feel nothing but love. No anger, no judgement, no "re-hashing" the past, just love from my mom. No matter what I did, mama always forgave me. Sometimes forgiveness came after harsh punishment-sometimes, either by forgetfulness or mercy, either of which I'm grateful for, there was no punishment at all. But always was the look of disappointment or hurt on her face when I did wrong.

Anyone that knows me, which is a LOT since I still live in the very town I grew up in, knows that I have made a lot of mistakes. Some would be shocked to know that I have been saved since the age of 9. I lived in a home where church was "on-again off-again". Pretty much as I became a teen, church became a thing of the past. There was really no spiritual guidance or consistency which in turn led to a weak, ill-educated young adult christian. In my mind, I never really thought much about my salvation. I knew that I had trusted Jesus Christ as my Savior, but that was about the extent of it. Only until I became well into my twenties, did the realization strike me of what my salvation really meant. I had not lived a very pleasing life during my teen or early adult years. I was full of anger and animosity over life situations that had happened to me over the course of the years, and seemed intent on ruining my life. I may not recall the very moment of this realization, where I was, or what I was doing, but I remember a thought hittting me like a ton of bricks to the jaw: "Jesus has been with me all this time-I have taken Him with me to all the bad places,He has heard all the horrible things I have said,watched me almost destroy my life time and again." But the thought didn't stop there. It was like a python wrapping itself around me, squeezing tighter and tighter. So tight that I could barely breathe, as I realized the grief that I had put my Savior through for years of my life.
 I have never doubted that God's grace was sufficient. That I've always known. But what I did start to doubt was, "If I have been saved all this time, why would I live a life like I did? Why wouldn't God stop me? Did I really get saved?" This question began to quietly torture me. At this point in the story, I realized the error of my ways and I changed my life. I was no longer living an unpleasing life, but this nagging doubt was in the back of my mind always.

 I'm convinced that the Lord put 2 verses in the Bible specifically for me.

1. 2 Timothy 2:20
   But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and of silver, but also of wood and of earth; and some to honour, and some to dishonour.
2. 2 Timothy 2:21
   If a man therefore purge himself from these, he shall be a vessel unto honour, sanctified, and meet for the master's use, and prepared unto every good work.

I was a vessel of dishonor. How shameful! Dishonor is never a good thing, no matter who or what it applies to. But since I am a vessel made by GOD, then my dishonor is directed at Him. I have dishonored Him, the One Who made me. But....and this a but with a capital B...I am still a vessel. Wow, what a thought-a life altering thought. The second verse up there says that even a vessel of dishonor CAN become a vessel of honor. Thats hope!! This thought changed my life. Talk about mercy....never has any one person been shown so much mercy as a child of God who has become such a vessel of dishonor that one would never recognise them as a christian. I'm so thankful that my Potter never took this lump of clay and destroyed it when it became ugly and marred. He just started over again, and began to remold, reshape, until I started to resemble the shape that He desired. Only He knows how many times He has had to reshape me, because only He knows how weak I am, and how many times I become marred. He never tires though....He's the Master Potter. Full of patience and love for His vessels.

In case anyone should ask about my earlier statement- the one about never doubting that I was saved...about how I always knew His grace was sufficient- Epesians 2:8-9 is very clear.  For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
⁹ Not of works, lest any man should boast.

I know you've heard of the term "Indian-giver"...I don't mean to be offensive and I'm trying to be derrogatory at all, but as a child this word was associated or given to someone who gave you something, but then took it back. My God gave me a gift. Eternal salvation. The verse clearly states that nothing I could do, none of my works aquired this salvation. It was a gift. From God. And he's not an "indian-giver". Once He gives me something, it's mine forever. The faith that I placed in Him allowed me to have this salvation, and His grace is what gave me that faith. I can't brag about my salvation, because truthfully, I've done nothing to deserve it. I can brag on God however, because He is the One that keeps my salvation, in spite of me.

John 10:27-29

²⁷ My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:
²⁸ And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.
²⁹ My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand.

I am thankful for His grace that saved me. I am thankful for His mercy that keeps me saved. He is the ultimate loving father- that will allow us to crawl up on His lap even after we've done wrong and still have the tears of remorse running down our face, the evidence of his chastisement still visable, and love us still.

Romans 8:38-39

³⁸ For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
³⁹ Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 He already has me seated in heavenly places :)
No, I'm not good enough to keep my salvation, that's why my God keeps it for me :)