Salvation- I'm not "good enough" to keep mine

Some days, my mind just gets the best of me. I wake up grumpy, and just feeling plain ol' unloveable. And everyone around me knows it- because I make them feel unloveable as well. My mind is filled with all sorts of negative thoughts, whether it be about bills, school problems, or simply put, people problems. It's days like that, that I feel very unworthy of God's love. Let alone His salvation, His security, His favor.

I remember as a child, my mom scolding me for lying to her. Don't ask for specifics, because that happened too often for me to recall! But I also remember at night, my mom letting me lay on her lap as we watched t.v. I may have gotten scolded earlier in the day by her, but as she plays with my hair and tenderly caresses it with her fingers, I feel nothing but love. No anger, no judgement, no "re-hashing" the past, just love from my mom. No matter what I did, mama always forgave me. Sometimes forgiveness came after harsh punishment-sometimes, either by forgetfulness or mercy, either of which I'm grateful for, there was no punishment at all. But always was the look of disappointment or hurt on her face when I did wrong.

Anyone that knows me, which is a LOT since I still live in the very town I grew up in, knows that I have made a lot of mistakes. Some would be shocked to know that I have been saved since the age of 9. I lived in a home where church was "on-again off-again". Pretty much as I became a teen, church became a thing of the past. There was really no spiritual guidance or consistency which in turn led to a weak, ill-educated young adult christian. In my mind, I never really thought much about my salvation. I knew that I had trusted Jesus Christ as my Savior, but that was about the extent of it. Only until I became well into my twenties, did the realization strike me of what my salvation really meant. I had not lived a very pleasing life during my teen or early adult years. I was full of anger and animosity over life situations that had happened to me over the course of the years, and seemed intent on ruining my life. I may not recall the very moment of this realization, where I was, or what I was doing, but I remember a thought hittting me like a ton of bricks to the jaw: "Jesus has been with me all this time-I have taken Him with me to all the bad places,He has heard all the horrible things I have said,watched me almost destroy my life time and again." But the thought didn't stop there. It was like a python wrapping itself around me, squeezing tighter and tighter. So tight that I could barely breathe, as I realized the grief that I had put my Savior through for years of my life.
 I have never doubted that God's grace was sufficient. That I've always known. But what I did start to doubt was, "If I have been saved all this time, why would I live a life like I did? Why wouldn't God stop me? Did I really get saved?" This question began to quietly torture me. At this point in the story, I realized the error of my ways and I changed my life. I was no longer living an unpleasing life, but this nagging doubt was in the back of my mind always.

 I'm convinced that the Lord put 2 verses in the Bible specifically for me.

1. 2 Timothy 2:20
   But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and of silver, but also of wood and of earth; and some to honour, and some to dishonour.
2. 2 Timothy 2:21
   If a man therefore purge himself from these, he shall be a vessel unto honour, sanctified, and meet for the master's use, and prepared unto every good work.

I was a vessel of dishonor. How shameful! Dishonor is never a good thing, no matter who or what it applies to. But since I am a vessel made by GOD, then my dishonor is directed at Him. I have dishonored Him, the One Who made me. But....and this a but with a capital B...I am still a vessel. Wow, what a thought-a life altering thought. The second verse up there says that even a vessel of dishonor CAN become a vessel of honor. Thats hope!! This thought changed my life. Talk about mercy....never has any one person been shown so much mercy as a child of God who has become such a vessel of dishonor that one would never recognise them as a christian. I'm so thankful that my Potter never took this lump of clay and destroyed it when it became ugly and marred. He just started over again, and began to remold, reshape, until I started to resemble the shape that He desired. Only He knows how many times He has had to reshape me, because only He knows how weak I am, and how many times I become marred. He never tires though....He's the Master Potter. Full of patience and love for His vessels.

In case anyone should ask about my earlier statement- the one about never doubting that I was saved...about how I always knew His grace was sufficient- Epesians 2:8-9 is very clear.  For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
⁹ Not of works, lest any man should boast.

I know you've heard of the term "Indian-giver"...I don't mean to be offensive and I'm trying to be derrogatory at all, but as a child this word was associated or given to someone who gave you something, but then took it back. My God gave me a gift. Eternal salvation. The verse clearly states that nothing I could do, none of my works aquired this salvation. It was a gift. From God. And he's not an "indian-giver". Once He gives me something, it's mine forever. The faith that I placed in Him allowed me to have this salvation, and His grace is what gave me that faith. I can't brag about my salvation, because truthfully, I've done nothing to deserve it. I can brag on God however, because He is the One that keeps my salvation, in spite of me.

John 10:27-29

²⁷ My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:
²⁸ And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.
²⁹ My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand.

I am thankful for His grace that saved me. I am thankful for His mercy that keeps me saved. He is the ultimate loving father- that will allow us to crawl up on His lap even after we've done wrong and still have the tears of remorse running down our face, the evidence of his chastisement still visable, and love us still.

Romans 8:38-39

³⁸ For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
³⁹ Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 He already has me seated in heavenly places :)
No, I'm not good enough to keep my salvation, that's why my God keeps it for me :)

Grief

Recently, a dear friend contacted me about her grief. I felt very inadequate in the answers I gave her, but tried to reassure her that I would be praying for her. Not coincidentally, the book I have been reading covered a section on grief this past week and I wanted to share, in hopes that it may help her or anyone else for that matter. It helped me, as I have very recently dealt with the deepest form of grief I have ever experienced with the loss of my precious grandmother.
The lady writing this book I am reading experienced the loss of her young sister, and so she knows very well of that which she writes. So I will jot down some excerpts from Lysa Terkheurst's book, "Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl", and pray that God will help to heal someone else's hurt through these words.


"Sometimes when hurts and disappointments come, they cause a temporary panic that rises and falls in a mini-tidal wave. ...at times the hurt comes in the form of a loss that cuts into your heart so viciously it forever redefines who you are and how you think. It's what I call deep grief. The kind that strains against everything you've ever believed. So much so you wonder how the promises that seemed so real on those thin Bible pages yesterday could ever possibly stand up under the weight of your enormous sadness today.
I've already mentioned how I walked away from God at that time. That is how many people process loss. Disillusionment can break people. It's understandable really. We are told from an early age that God can do anything, and we've read the stories about Jesus helping people. But how do we process such beliefs in the face of loss? Any kind of loss hurts. Trying to come to grips with the fact that God could have prevented this grief but didn't is a bit like trying to catch the wind and turn it into something visible. It's an answer we could chase our whole lives and never get. And sometimes this chase just simply wears people out. They turn and walk away, whispering, "I tried, God, but You just didn't work for me.You hurt my feelings and I don't want anything to do with You anymore." I was asking the wrong question. I was asking why.  Why did this happen? Why didn't You stop this, God? Why were my prayers not answered? Why?
Asking why is perfectly normal. Asking why isn't unspiritual. However, if asking this question pushes us farther from God rather than drawing us closer to Him, it is the wrong question.
In most situations, nothing positive can come from whatever answer there might be to a why question. If God gave us His reason why, we would judge Him. And His reasons, from our limited perspective, would always fall short. That's because our flat human perceptions simply can't process God's multidimensional, eternal reasons. God describes it this way:
   For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
   For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Is. 55:8-9) We can't see the full scope of the situation like God can; therefore, we must acknowledge that His thoughts are more complete and that He is more capable of accurately discerning what is best in every circumstance. In the case of losing a loved one, love skews even the most rational parts of us. Our love for the person we lost would never allow God's reasons to make us feel any better or to understand any more fully. We would still feel as though God had made a terrible mistake.
So, if asking the why question doesn't offer hope, what will? The what question. In other words, Now that this has happened, what am I supposed to do with it? Good can come from any loss if we make the choice not to resist the birthing process required to bring this good to life.
Psalm 139:16 tells us every person has a certain number of days assigned to them: Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
It takes time. Even when you love God and believe His promises, Even when you know without a doubt that you will see your loved one again. Even when you know hope is still there. It takes time. It takes wading through an ocean of tears. It takes finding a possession of your loved one that you thought was lost and realizing that God did that just to comfort you. It takes discovering one day that the sun still shines. It takes being caught off guard when you catch yourself smiling, only to realize it's okay. It takes prayer. It takes making the decision to stop asking for answers and start asking for perspective. It takes telling people to please not avoid saying their name-you want to hear it, over and over and over again. Then one day you take off the blanket of deep grief. You fold it neatly and tuck it away. You no longer hate it or resist it. For underneath it wondrous things have happened. The why questions have been replaced with truths from God's Word. verses that stung to read at first have now become the very lifeline you cling to. God's presence has fallen softly upon you and helped you see that good can come and will come in you and through you.
Yes, in time things have happened. Wondrous things. Things that could have only come about because divine hope still intersects with our broken world. The secret is letting God's Word get into you to achieve the purpose He intends. Then you can lift up your despair, your doubts and questions, your feelings of being hurt by God. And with open hands held high, you let the wind blow them all away.
And, finally, you will see years stretching before you once again. Hope stretching before you again. New perspectives even when others hurt you again. And more honest conversations with God stretching before you again."

A Change of Pace-

I made a hard decision last week.... after months of stressful deliberation (and much prayer) of whether or not my life and calling allowed time and room for the dedication that it takes to be a teacher, I came to the conclusion that I will be ending my fulltime teaching career. My life as a mother and Pastor's wife has been a fulltime job in and of itself for the last 3 years. I love teaching. I love those children. I love the women I work with. But I love my family more. Our church has grown at a rate that has been hard to keep up with- what a blessing! My husband barely manages to spread himself just thin enough to meet everyones needs, while our children compete for our time in the evenings and on weekends. You can imagine, as a mother, struggling with the guilt of not giving enough time, energy, or attention to matters of the home. As a teacher, my students deserve 100%. And the staff is expected to give 100%. My other "careers" as I will call them, are my family, and our ministry. They also deserve 100%. But how can I give 100% all the time, when I am trying to give it to so many? I have found myself so emotionally and physically stressed that I dread the things that I once loved. I feel like I have robbed myself of my joy. I have spent time doing things that I love, instead of loving the things that God has called me to do. He called my husband into fulltime ministry. I have children, and since we have a very busy church life, I have to make a way to have time for both. I guess we could say that I am prioritizing. I know that what will feel like just a matter of days, my kids will be grown and gone. I have lost a grandmother who needed me everyday for her last months, but I couldn't /didn't devote to her the time she needed because I was already juggling 3 "jobs". As long as the Lord allows, I will step out on faith, and be here for my family first. I don't want to continue to give them my "leftovers". So, looking at all these things on my plate, I asked myself, which ones are the most important? Which one will allow time for the others if given up, and which one can be given up? My heart aches with the decision  I made. But I know that I made the right one. I will miss my job at BHS, but I look forward to being able to do my other "jobs" with joy, knowing that they have my undivided attention and devotion. I look forward to helping my husband as I've never helped him before. I look forward to what the future hold for our family. I look forward to being all that I can be to the people that God has brought to LBC. I wish that I would have had this time back in January. It breaks my heart everytime I hear my mawmaw's words to me, "Make time for me, they can wait." But I was too busy, pulled in so many directions. I'd give anything to have that time back. But...I must tell myself what some good friends have recently told me: "It's all in GOD'S time, not mine". I will have time to spend with my grand daddy, while I still have him. I will not continue to live my life in a blur of fast forward days, barely having time to blink. Life is short enough as it is. I will slow down, and enjoy what God has given me. My family, my church, my health. Make time for your family! Even if it means sacrafice, it's worth it! After all, no one has forever here. We're all on borrowed time :)
 I will end with one of my favorite songs. Just as the song says, I will "leave it all behind...I am full of love beyond measure, my joy is going to flow like a stream in the desert."