Today is the second day that I have been at home sick, and I am absolutely about to go crazy. I have been miserable,cranky, and mean to tell the truth! (Just ask my husband :) And today, my youngest, Andy, is home with me. Right now it looks like he could possibly have strep, so I'm keeping a close eye on his symptoms.
Yesterday, I was here at the house alone for the majority of the day, and I had a lot of time to lay in the bed and do nothing :) So to make the most of my time, I caught up on some Bible reading, and did some devotions. Have you ever noticed that when you have a burden on your heart that you thought no one but God and yourself knew about, God decides that it would be good for you to make everything you read specifically about that burden? He knows just how to get us out of our rut and in my case, does it, sometimes before I can even ask Him for help. I'm going to share my burden just in case someone that reads this may be going through the same thing.
I had a pastors wife tell me once that you couldn't make friends with members of your church. And I remember my response, "Well where else am I going to find friends? My life is spent at church!" So in the back of my mind, everytime I felt myself getting close to someone, I would think: "So,Lord, how is this going to turn out bad?" My husband is a HUGE people person, and he seems to make friends with everyone he talks to. He's just that way. I'm not. But when I do, I find myself critiquing everything I said to them afterwards, wondering if something I might have said could have hindered my role in their life as their pastor's wife. Or when they don't talk to me as much the following Sunday as I thought they should, my mind immediately begins to question, "What have I done?" or "What did I say?" and I let these thoughts and questions consume me until I am miserable. I know that most times, it's the devil trying to get to me. But I really do want to please those around me. Thats when the Lord pricks at my heart and says to me,"But are you pleasing ME?"
This was part of my Bible reading :
1 Peter 2:9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light:
1 Peter 2:10 Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.
1 Peter 2:11 Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul;
And I realized that my desire to please and have friendship and perfect harmony with all of my sisters in Christ is a fleshly lust. It makes me happy, and eases my mind. But what does it do for me spiritually? Absulutely nothing. I realized that when something is said or done that makes me wonder if I did something to offend or upset, it changes my mood and my mindset and THAT does hinder me spiritually. Don't get me wrong please, I do want to have harmony with my sisters in Christ. And as long as I am serving and obeying God, and pleasing HIM, He will take care of the rest. I can't make everyone look at me with grace and love, but the Father can, if He sees fit to. So instead of letting my desire to please people cause war against my soul, I put it all in His very capable hands.
I still have so much to learn. I can tell you today much more than yesterday that I never knew how much was involved in the ministry. It overwhelms me at times, and that seems to be when I lean the hardest on my girlfriends. I know that it's my husband I should lean to, but my carnal mind whispers to me all the time, "You don't need to burden him with your feelings, he has so much on him without you adding to his load." So my prayer at the end of yesterday and the beginning of today is, "Lord, please help me to lean on YOU and confide in You. For YOU alone have all the answers I need, and you will never misunderstand me."
If you have experienced anything similar to this, as a PW, let me be the first to tell you that it's not easy to limit yourself in your relationships in the church, but when you put God first in your life, and support your husband in the way that God tells us to (and not society) then He will give you wisdom in everything you do. Just seek Him for advice.
I love every single lady in my church. And I will continue to fellowship with them in any way I can! But my closest companionship is reserved for two alone: My Saviour, and my husband.
"Thank You Lord, for being there for me when I get ahead of myself and forget that You alone have the answers that I need. All of my complaining or fears shared with another does nothing to lift them up spiritually, but when I come to YOU, you lovingly guard my footsteps,my heart, and my tongue. Only You can give the perfect advice. And You Know the way that is best for me. Help me Dear Lord to be the Pastor's Wife that You want me to be, to be the helpmeet to my husband that You want me to be and that he needs for me to be. And finally Lord, thank You, for allowing me the chance to serve You. In Jesus' name, Amen!"
*** Sometimes in our busy lives, getting sick is the only thing that makes us slow down. It's then that we take the time to reflect on things in our lives that maybe needs changing or a good "working on". I hope that sharing my heart's burden has helped someone else. Just remember that even though it feels lonely sometimes, and feels like you have been "deserted", God has called us to serve Him. He never promised the ministry would be easy, but it's full of spiritual fruit and blessings unimaginable. Just serve Him, make yourself available to Him, seek Him then let Him do the rest.
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